Tommy and the Train
Tommy scanned the car as we stepped into the train. A girl with gold hoop earrings and a down jacket fussed over a stroller opposite us. He sat next to the door and closed his eyes. I sat across from him listening to the faint trail of King Diamond leaking through his headphones.
Tommy kept both hands in his pockets. He may have looked asleep, but I knew he watched everything. Each time the doors chimed, he glanced up to see who got on or off.
The conductor called through muffled speakers “20th Avenue:Next stop Bay Parkway.” Tommy opened his eyes. The lady stood up and zipped her coat. She leaned over the stroller, tucked some blankets in, and pushed it near the doors. Outside, the setting sun cast bursts of orange light against the sea of apartment buildings and brick houses.
The woman left. A big guy slipped in as the doors closed. The doo-rag clinging to hair cut lines into his forehead. I could see the big gold caps on his teeth as he struggled to catch his breath.
He sat in a window seat with his forearms resting on his thighs – watching Tommy. Nobody moved. I tried not to let him see me watching. This kind of situation could go a number of ways. I wanted to be invisible. We passed the next station. Tommy met his glare.
“25thAvenue: Next stop: Bay 50th Street.” The doors chimed. I heard a click and the music disappeared.
“Yo –“The guy said as he got up and hovered over Tommy. “Give me your walkman.”
“Excuse me?” said Tommy.
“Your walkman, whitebread. Hand it over.” He waved his arm, holding out his thumb, index, and little fingers as he spoke.
“What did you say to me?”
“Are you deaf— Give me your fuckin' walkman!”
The train pulled into the station.
“Oh no!” Tommy stood up. Now their faces were inches apart from one another.“Fuck that!”
Tommy pulled his right hand out from his pocket and punched the guy in the cheek. Something shiny moved in tandem with his fist. The guy’s head jerked back and swiveled. A small, white object flew across the car,followed by a spray of blood. It clacked as bounced from a window and landed underneath some seats.
The subway doors opened. The guy just stood there, stunned. His whole face contorted. Its shape changed and he looked broken.
“Come on,” Tommy waved toward me.
The man held his face. Blood dripped from his mouth onto the floor.
I ran out of the car. We watched the doors close in front of him.
“What the fuck was that?” I asked from the safety of the platform. My heart felt like it beat through my chest.
“Brass knuckles.” Tommy shrugged. “Let’s take the bus home.”
He flicked another button and the sounds of King Diamond returned.
©Copyright 2009. Deborah Szajngarten. All Rights Reserved
Categories: Blog and e-publishing, Short Stories, #FlashFiction, Fiction
Tags: Brooklyn Subway Train New York Fight Writing Short Stories #fridayflash Fiction Blog
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11/7/2009 12:06 AM
uberVU - social comments wrote:
This post was mentioned on Twitter by Debs1: My frist #FridayFlash. It is a short story called Tommy and The Train. (If you like it, please RT) http://digs.by/itf
Nice tension and characterization. Welcome to friday flash!
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Thank you! I appreciate your stopping by and reading
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Welcome to #fridayflash!
I was nervous when the big guy sat and watched Tommy. No good can come of this!
But you surprised me with the turnabout at the end.
Nice story!
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Thank you! It's my first time contributing to the Friday Flash. I appreciate the feedback and the comments!
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Hi Deborah, Welcome to FridayFlash. I think you did a good job building suspense in such a short piece. I have to say, though, that the use of "big black guy" comes across as the reinforcement of a negative stereotype. The character's race has no connection with the story arc as it was written, so it comes across as a gratuitous. Also, race is not used to describe any other character, so in this case I had to wonder why it was included for the big black guy.
Anyway, that's my two cents. I'd love to hear what others think!
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Olivia, I appreciate your feedback. You are right, I didn't see it that way. I think I will edit the piece to correct that issue. I certainly do not wish to play into a stereotype. I wanted only to dramatize an event that happened many years ago. Thank you.
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Welcome to FridayFlash, Deb! And this is a very nice debut story. I hope this isn't based on an event you witnessed! Very scary. Your Tommy reminded me a bit of the mc in Karen's story (adult content) http://miscellaneousyammering.blogspot.com/2009/11/key-rated-r_06.html I wouldn't want to meet either in a dark alley ...!
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Thanks! It is a dramatization of a story that Tommy told me years ago. While the actual event happened, I was not there to witness it, so I fictionalized it based on the details I had. I'll check out Karen's piece.
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Very tense piece!
In the beginning I saw Tommy as quite a young boy, in the end he feels more like a young adult?
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Wow, how interesting. I wonder if that's because of his name. In this story, he is a teenager -- maybe 17 or 18?
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That was scary Deb. Good job of bringing me into the zone. Really.
Hope this wasn't a real encounter.
Derry
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Thank you Derry!!
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Hey your writing is really good. I like it a lot. I'm going to checkout your other blog www.quietcountrylife.com. Very cool. Has your wanderer series been released yet?
Congrats on a cool blog with good content along with your book project.
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